For newlyweds, merging lives can be challenging. You and your spouse might be excited about this next stage of life. But dealing with the practicalities doesn’t always feel romantic. Even if you were living together prior to your wedding, there is something about your official designation as a married couple that makes these decisions feel more serious.
Whether you’re trying to figure out how to integrate your finances, divvy up household chores, split family time fairly, or even preserve your independence in the context of a relationship, you might be confused about where to begin. Let’s explore some ideas for merging your lives in these key areas.
Combining Finances
Up until now, you and your spouse may have kept your finances completely separate. Some couples choose to continue with this approach even after marriage. But many decide to combine their finances. This is a deeply personal decision that should factor in your personal needs and goals as a couple. No matter how you choose to organize your finances, it’s a good idea to maintain separate emergency funds with cash savings so that you can always access your individual savings in urgent situations.
Dividing Domestic Responsibilities
This is a good time to take a step back and think about how you and your spouse will manage domestic chores. Do you feel like you’re dividing up chores fairly now? If not, sit down with your spouse to outline the different responsibilities within your house and decide who will “own” each chore. This means that the other person will not have to remind them to complete the task.
As time goes on, you may take on additional responsibilities, like more demanding jobs, homeownership, childcare, or eldercare. This means you’ll likely have to reassess how you delegate household responsibilities at different points throughout your marriage. Keep in mind that this is an evolving conversation.
Connecting with Both of Your Families
As a married couple, you’ll need to think about how you can spend a fair amount of time with both of your respective families. Consider who you will visit or invite to your home for each holiday, or how you might be able to combine family time. You may want to swap holidays every other year. If one person’s family lives far away, you may need to dedicate more time to traveling to see them.
Maintaining Independent Hobbies
After you get married, you might feel like you need to operate as one “unit.” But it’s important to maintain your independence within your relationship. Talk to your spouse about making space for “me time” in your schedule. For you, this might mean meeting up with a hobby group that your spouse does not participate in, or going out with your own friends once or twice per week. Chances are, your spouse has their own hobbies that they enjoy independently. It’s important to respect these distinctions.
Long-Term Goals
Finally, you can greatly benefit from reflecting on your mutual, long-term goals, as well as each of your personal goals. Chances are, you’ve already discussed some major decisions together before tying the knot, like whether or not to have children. You can also explore each other’s thoughts on buying a home and what your budget might be, where you would like to move, or challenges you can take on as a team, like starting a business. When you’re aligned with your goals, you’ll feel solid in your foundation as a couple.
Are you and your new spouse trying to navigate the process of merging lives? Reach out to us to find out how couples therapy can guide you through this chapter.
Author: Stephanie Saari
I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in California. I love working with couples and individuals to find strength, growth and empowerment through their struggles and challenges.
