Lots of couples have questions about what’s “normal” when it comes to sex frequency. Maybe you’re wondering whether you and your partner should be having sex more often, or if you’re actually having sex too often in comparison to other couples.
Truthfully, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer. Healthy intimacy can look different for every relationship! There are lots of factors that can affect the way you and your partner approach sex and intimacy. Let’s explore these factors so that you gain deeper insights into your preferences, as well as your partner’s. By understanding these varying influences, you can approach conversations about your sex life with compassion and curiosity.
Debunking the Myth of “Normal”
First, it’s important to deconstruct the idea that there’s a “normal” sexual frequency for couples. Your individual libidos can change dramatically throughout your lifetime. Certain chapters of life might open up more opportunities to have sex, but at other times, your chances might be limited.
Making assumptions about the frequency of sex for other couples and comparing yourself to other people’s sex lives will only create unnecessary pressure. It doesn’t tell you anything about the connection you share with your partner. Even if you both want to have sex more often, the quality of your own connection matters far more than what any other couple is doing.
Factors That Influence Sexual Frequency
There are countless lifestyle factors that can influence a couple’s sexual frequency. Couples in long-term partnerships might have to dedicate more conscious effort to cultivating intimacy than couples who have just started dating.
External stressors like parenting and work demands can have an impact on your mental health and sex drive. Furthermore, physical health issues can also interfere with your sex life. Shifts are natural over time, but there’s no shame in reaching out for support if you’re dealing with medical issues, mental health concerns, or chronic stress.
Differences in Desire
Sometimes, two partners who love each other deeply simply have mismatched libidos. One might have a fairly high libido, while the other has a lower drive. This is not necessarily something that either partner can “fix” or change—barring lifestyle and health factors, it may just be part of who they are.
If you and your partner have differing libidos, having open conversations is crucial. By sharing your feelings honestly, you can find ways to honor your individual needs and desires for intimacy.
Expanding Your Perspective on Intimacy
Sex isn’t the only way to foster an intimate connection. Intimacy is so much more than that!
Rather than upholding sex as the sole form of intimacy, consider reframing sex as one type of intimacy among many. There are plenty of other ways to nurture closeness, like sensual and affectionate touch, heartfelt conversations, and shared activities.
A thriving sex life is rooted in a strong emotional bond. By tending to this connection, you might find your sex life naturally improving over time.
Reconnecting Through Couples Therapy
If you and your partner have been struggling to reconnect, remember that you don’t have to walk through this journey on your own. A couples therapist can provide a safe, non-judgmental space to discuss intimacy in your relationship without shame.
Furthermore, the right therapist can also help you and your partner untangle factors like lifestyle stressors or relational patterns that might be affecting your sexual frequency or individual libidos. Therapy isn’t about prescribing a specific number of times to have sex. It’s about learning what works for your relationship.
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If you and your partner want to revitalize your sex life, couples therapy can be transformative. We encourage you to connect with us and schedule a free consultation to learn more about our practice.
Author: Stephanie Saari
I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in California. I love working with couples and individuals to find strength, growth and empowerment through their struggles and challenges.
