Maybe you’ve always had trouble setting boundaries in relationships. You say “Yes” to everything, regardless of what you really want, and you stretch yourself thin trying to keep everyone else happy. You’re so accustomed to bending over backwards for the sake of other people that you don’t really know what you want out of your relationships. Codependency often starts in childhood, and it can take a proactive effort to break these patterns as an adult. How can you recognize codependency in your relationships? Let’s explore a few of the most common signs of codependency, as well as how you can take small steps toward advocating for yourself.
Prioritizing Other People’s Needs
Ultimately, codependency is characterized by constantly putting other people’s needs over your own. No matter how burned out you are, you feel like you can’t possibly tell someone “No.” Even when the other person demands that you make major sacrifices or go against your own values, you take on the burden, fearing that they will leave you if you don’t. Codependency might not show up in all of your relationships. For example, you might have a few healthy friendships, but you’re stuck in a codependent dynamic with your romantic partner. Although you may feel safe setting boundaries with some people, you hesitate around others.
Low Self-Esteem
At its core, codependency is rooted in low self-esteem. When you don’t have a strong sense of self-worth, you rely on others for external validation. That’s why it’s so difficult to carve out space for yourself in a codependent relationship. You worry that if you prioritize your own well-being, the other person will have a negative opinion of you, or end the relationship altogether. The idea of living without them seems unfathomable, even if they treat you poorly. Therefore, you tie yourself in knots to win their approval and preserve the relationship at any cost.
Difficulty Identifying Your Own Feelings
Sometimes, codependency pushes you into such an emotionally enmeshed relationship with another person that you struggle to identify how you actually feel, or what you really want. When your partner is sad, you drop everything to comfort them. If they’re angry, you’re doing everything you can to placate them. You don’t take a moment to consider what you need. This is another reason why stepping away from codependency is so challenging. You’re unsure of what your life would look like otherwise, and you’ve never asked yourself that question before.
Causes of Codependency
Where does codependency come from? When someone grows up in a family where they’re subjected to emotional neglect, or their parents struggle with addiction, they might adopt codependency as an unconscious survival strategy. Anticipating their caregivers’ needs and suppressing their own allows them to navigate these dysfunctional relationships. Additionally, some people mimic the codependent patterns that they witnessed in their parents’ relationship. When codependency is all you know, you can easily end up imitating it.
Overcoming Codependency
Codependency doesn’t have to be permanent. By working with a therapist, you can identify where codependency is showing up in your relationships. Furthermore, you can practice saying “No” and setting small boundaries, preparing you to advocate for yourself in bigger ways down the line. You’ll learn to get comfortable with allowing people to take responsibility for their own actions, rather than making excuses for their behavior or trying to make up for their faults. Most importantly, you can strengthen your self-esteem, making space in life for passions that fulfill you. You can overcome codependency with compassionate support and guidance. If you’re interested in individual counseling or couples counseling, we encourage you to get in touch with us.
Author: Stephanie Saari
I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in California. I love working with couples and individuals to find strength, growth and empowerment through their struggles and challenges.
