If you’ve recently divorced your spouse, you might feel like you’re still stuck on an emotional rollercoaster of complicated grief. One day, you feel content with your decision, and you cherish the opportunity to embrace a peaceful new chapter of your life. But the next day, you might find yourself craving the company of your ex, wishing you could somehow go back and change things.
In the wake of a divorce, it’s perfectly normal to grieve your marriage, even if you know that separating from your ex was the right decision. A divorce marks a massive change in your life, and it can take time to process your feelings. These tips can help you understand and address the complicated grief that can crop up after a divorce.
Missing the Good Times
You might feel guilty for missing the good times in your marriage, or being wistful about your ex’s good qualities. These emotions can make you wonder if you’re betraying yourself somehow, or if you’ll ever fully “get over” your ex, even if they treated you poorly.
You can hold space for both positive and negative feelings towards your ex. When these memories come to mind, approach them with a sense of mindfulness and neutrality. You likely spent years or even decades together, and it’s normal to occasionally reminisce about the beautiful moments in your marriage.
Questioning Your Decision
Why are random happy memories involving your ex so distressing? Often, it’s because you assume that recognizing the upsides of your marriage means that getting divorced may have been the wrong decision. Grief can cloud your judgment, causing you to wonder if you and your ex should have tried harder.
But when you take a step back to reflect, it’s practically guaranteed that you and your ex tried everything possible to make your marriage “work.” Couples do not get divorced on a whim. It is a lengthy, expensive, and complicated process. If you knew that it was the right choice when you separated, it’s still the right choice now.
Feeling Isolated
Perhaps you went from living in a home with your ex to living alone for the first time. If you had children with your ex, you might only see them half of the time now. Maybe you moved in with family for financial reasons, and now, you feel disconnected from your friends as a result.
Feeling isolated after a divorce is common. You might spend far more time physically alone, or you may have lost friends after the divorce. Finding new ways to connect with other people in different environments can ease these feelings. Joining a hobby club or volunteer organization can help you make new friends and meet more people who may have walked in your shoes before.
Mourning the Future You Wanted
You and your ex had a vision of how you would spend your life together. Now, you might be mourning the future you wanted to share with them. It can take time to let go of those plans. Let yourself explore what you might want to achieve on your own, or how you can pursue similar goals in this new phase of your life.
Anxiety Over Newfound Freedom
You might feel free of the problems that plagued your marriage. At the same time, that freedom, and your increased responsibilities as an individual, can give way to anxiety. Allow yourself to ask for help when you’re facing challenges, and lean on your friends and family. They can help you find your way.
–
Are you suffering from complicated grief post-divorce? Contact our practice to discuss your options for separation counseling and find out how we can help.
Author: Stephanie Saari
I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in California. I love working with couples and individuals to find strength, growth and empowerment through their struggles and challenges.
